Learn more about what we do

FAQ

Can I order a coffee mug, mask or t-shirt directly from you?
I create original artworks at my house, but I leave the manufacturing and shipping to a partner. I don’t have any products to send out, except through the online ordering process. So no, you can’t order directly from me, unless you commission an original artwork.

Will your act fit on my stage?
I adapt every show to fit the audience and the stage.  I can work any size stage, but for the unicycle routine or comedy stilt routine please allow approx. 12 x 16 stage area. 

Is your act clean enough for my corporate or business event?
Yes. Please discuss what you are interested in having me do. Do you want a show with late-night T.V. content, or a kid’s show that is entertaining for adults? Tastes vary widely. If a client is offended by the Simpsons, I’ll leave out my material that is social satire, even if it is considered clean by the general population. My nightclub act is considered network T.V. clean, but I adapt every show to fit the audience, whether it’s an adults only audience or a kids show. Please read my referrals and quotes if you have questions. 

Sure it’s clean, but is your act funny enough for my comedy club?
Comedy comes first– the variety is just a device to get to the funny stuff. 

Do you do the six foot unicycle and stilts in every show?
No. On some stages there is not room. 

Why don’t you just do stand-up comedy?
My show is based upon my curiosity about all types of performing. I do stand-up, sing, dance, act, juggle, write songs, etc. and have a genuine love of entertaining people. I enjoy performing for all types of people, whether at a corporate party, a comedy club, a family-friendly stage at a fair, or a biker bar. 

Can you provide sound and lights?
For private shows I often provide a sound system and lights. Please contact me well in advance to arrange this. If I need to fly to the event the client must provide adequate sound and lighting. 

I have a company picnic at a park with all ages. Suggestions?
I would recommend a 45– minute comedy show, family-friendly, and strolling stilt characters afterward. Please contact me to discuss sound system arrangements for outdoor venues. 

Why don’t you post prices on your website?
I offer several different types of performances, packages/combinations of performances, and all are available in various lengths of time. I also cater each show to match the demographic, event size, and production support needed. I’ve developed a price sheet to help me determine what the cost of various packages are, and would be more than happy to quote a price once I know more about your event. Please call me or email me from my contact page.

Where did you get the monkey?
I carved him out of wood. Giuseppe took 2 weeks to design and build.

Where did you get the song/ background recording?
I write and record my own music. If I use a background track it’s me playing the different instruments using a multi-track recorder.

What about the one man band/stilts/rocket/pterodactyl/Uncle Sam Hat/stilt pants/Jester outfit?
I made them all from scratch.

I have a joke that I heard that would be good for you to use in your act.
No thank you. I write all my own jokes.

Do you go on the internet to get your jokes?
No, I write them myself.

Where do you get your  props/costumes/ jokes?
Slow, are we? I write my own material (material means jokes, songs and patter) and build my own costumes, sets and props, except for factory-made juggling clubs and balls, and a few costumes that I have adapted.

Can I use your songs and jokes for my act? 
No. write your own jokes.

Can I use your songs in my podcast?
If you call me and ask, I’ll probably let you use them for that. Just ask permission.

Could you create a custom marionette/ vent figure, song or artwork for me?
Yes. Call me. Building is subject to my schedule.

You didn’t buy the monkey at a store?
No, I carved him out of wood. Building and designing is a part of my creative process as much as writing material is. Everybody is a little obsessive/compulsive, this is just my area to be a control freak.

I want to be a comedian– my friends think I’m funny.
Not exactly a question, but I’ll answer it anyway. Read these books: Judy Carter’s Comedy Bible, The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, and Gene Perret’s Comedy Writing Workbook.  I recommend that you take all advice about comedy with a grain of salt. Do what works. Look up “Carl’s Quick Cheap  Course in Comedy” online for a quick primer. Be original.
Often beginners or insecure old hacks will use the excuse “everything has all been done before, therefore your thought is unoriginal, therefore I will take it verbatim rather than risk failing with my own ideas.” I’ve done my best to generate unique material. If my stuff is similar to another act, it is accidental or unconscious. Please learn to write your own material, and don’t steal lines from other acts. Have courage, and have fun!

You must feel like you’re competing with a lot of other performers, right?
If the acts are good, they generate more work for other good acts. Even if they do the same types of things I do, I never feel like I’m competing. I try to add something to make my stuff unique from everyone else, and I try to encourage any act I think is good. Good acts generate their own market. Eventually the market they generate hires me, and vice versa. This works best if the acts are different from one another, and ORIGINAL.

I don’t get it. Aren’t there limited budgets, and limited places to play?
Sometimes, there are markets that are saturated. Generating new markets fixes that. For example, someone seeing me perform as a one man band might decide that they want to have that at their event. They hadn’t thought about having entertainment before, but after seeing it, they wanted it. If I do a good job, the next year they will hire entertainment again. The market just increased. 

Can I sidestep the agent, who referred you, to book you directly?
No. I like working with good agents.  Good acts, and good agencies, generate their own market, as I stated above.  Please, always tell me if you got my name through an agent.

What are your technical requirements? 
Corporate : The client needs to be sure that the audience will be able to see me, hear me and have no other distractions during the show. Those are the basics.

The following are helpful tips when hiring a comedy act:
The show should begin after dinner, dessert and any awards or announcements are completely through. There should not be any other events going on during the show. (Examples: “casino night” tables/ display booths/ television sets, etc.  should be shut down for the show.) Giving away raffle prizes or awards after the show is over is fine.  Stage set-up: Ideally a 16×16, or at least a 12x16w stage area with ten feet of headroom. The back of the stage area should be against the wall, not in the middle of the room.  I will happily consult with you and give a detailed description of how the room and the event should be structured to make the show a success. 

Sound and lights: For some corporate functions within driving distance (under 300 people) I am able to provide full sound and lights. I prefer to do this, if it is at all possible. If I fly, the client must provide a front sound system (in-ceiling speakers will not be adequate) and front lights focused on the stage. When using house sound, I bring a mic mixer to input my headset mic, guitar cable and music into the sound system with one cable. I need an XLR input (That’s a regular microphone cable) into the sound board, and one open electrical outlet. If there is a full professional set-up with a sound man and multiple inputs, please call me for requirements.  

Stage size questions?  In a banquet room, please put the 12x16w stage against a long wall of the room. Some of the comedy club videos on this site were shot in  comedy clubs with a 4×8 stage and a seven foot ceiling. (Smaller stage area than your living room.) Please contact me to discuss what routines would be most effective and appropriate for your venue, and I will give my recommendations for a stage size. 

Q: Why is eating dinner during a comedy performance a bad idea, Eric? Isn’t it like dinner theater?
A: At a hotel banquet room, the tables are usually large round tables that seat about 8 people. People sit facing their plate, which means half the audience has their back to the stage, and naturally talk to one another during dinner, which adds to the distraction. In addition, if you laugh with a mouth full of food, you may choke or spit it out, which is unpleasant. In order to not choke, many people don’t laugh, which makes it look and sound like the comedian is not doing his job. If all that weren’t enough of a distraction, the servers come by to collect the dinner plates and put dessert on the table. If the performance starts after dessert is served, the client will get a much better return on investment for their entertainment.

What about roving acts at an event? Do they need focus?
Roving acts are generally ambient entertainment. A good comparison is the difference between hiring a piano player to play in the background at a restaurant, versus going to see a piano concert at a theater. One is ambient, used to set the mood, the other is a focused performance. Roving acts may establish the focus of small groups for a time, but they don’t require the entire room to pay attention in order to be successful. 

If you were looking for the Seattle comedian, juggler, one man band, illustrator and stilt walker Eric Haines, but you misspelled my name Eric Haynes, Erik Hanes, Eric Hines, Eric Hainer, Eric Heinz, Eric Hays, Erik Hans or Eric Hayes, congratulations! You found me anyway.  Web site design and content © copyright Eric Haines 2008-2021 All Rights Reserved